


I`m gonna be a comedian

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Love, Mental Illness, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24096781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: You are in the audience, watching Arthur at Pogos and fall in love with him. He isnt sure if you are real...The point of view switches from Arthur to you and back.
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 6





	I`m gonna be a comedian

ARTHUR  
I`m standing in the corridor at Pogo`s, checking my journal. The green,dim lights should calm me down but they don`t. The guy upstage makes some lame jokes about sex. I barely listen, I´m up next and there is too much going on in my head right now. I try to tell myself that I prepared myself very well. My hair looks fine, I wear some decent clothes, put two of my sleeping pills in my mothers oath meal, to make sure she will be asleep, not noticing that I will be home late. I dont want her to worry about me and I dont want to tell her about Sophie eighter. So this was the best solution.  
And cologne. The cologne is for Sophie. She must be sitting in the sudience already. Its our big date. I cant wait to see how her beautiful eyes would light up, when she is laughing at my jokes. She never heard one of my jokes and I`m pretty nervous about it, but I guess thats the whole point. I gotta get through this to suceed and make people smile. The funny thing is... I WANT to be upstage. I want poeple to see me and listen to me. But at the same time I get so nervous and all sweaty because I want to get it right. Maybe I put a little bit too much pressure on myself. But I want it to be a perfect experience for the audience. I want them to remember me and go like "Wow, this Artur guy, he really made me laugh. His jokes are the BEST." This would make me proud of mysef.  
"I think most woman look at sex like buying a car.You know like, can I see myself in this long term? Is it save? Is it reliable? Could it kill me? "....  
I try not to concentrate on the comedians voice. I have to stay in my own thoughts right now. Is my hair still okay? I check it. Ran my fingers through it carefully as I walk to the doorframe and wait for my name to be called. I take a deep breath, feeling myself starting to sweat. Calm down Arthur, this is what you want in life. Right? This is your dream. You can make it.  
"Alright this next comic descibes describes himself as a lifelong Gotham resident, who from a young age was always told that his purpose in life was to bring laughter and joy into this cold dark world...." I notice that he holds in for a second "Um...okay....." .He didnt appriciated this. His voice sounded sarcastic. Like the world isnt even THAT dark. Let me tell you it is. It is for people like me. Nevermind this guy. I just spotted my beautiful Sophie sitting at the end of the tables. I knew she would come to see me. I`m so glad she`s here, but somehow this makes me even more nervous.   
"Please help me welcome Arthur Fleck, Yàll. Arthur Fleck".  
Thats my call. It feels good to hear people applauding. I wave at Sophie and smile at her, before I concentrate to walk up strait to the guy. I fail, stumbling slightly in front of him. But I try to not let it show. He leaves the stage. Its all mine now.  
Smile Artur. Smile. You practiced this a thousand times at home.  
I place myself in front of the mircrophone.Taking a look at the audience. Those are the people I need to make happy today. No problem. I got my diary with me. I just have to say them hello now.  
"Hello....."   
Fuck! my voice is nothing but a whisper. I`m short of air and I know what this means. Its the first sign of the laughter trying to get through. This always happens when I feel uncomfortable. Why Arthur? You are where you supposed to be. On stage!  
I giggle to myself. Swallow a quiet laugh. My eyes serching for something to focus on.There is nothing. "Hm hm hm hm hm..." I hear myself chuckeling. I havent even said my second word and there is already a chuckle coming out of me. This is going to be harder than I thought. I try not to lose my smile. Maybe they think this is part of my act.   
"Hello, good to be here....." hearing myself trying to make this happen is painful and hilarious at the same time. Like it always is when the laughter comes trough. Its painful but there is this voice telling me that its actually pretty funny. Comedy. Tragedy. its all the same in the end.  
I crack up, turning around so the audience can`t see my face. I dont want them to see that I am in pain. They would be so irritated by this. I lean forwards, laughing "Hahahahahha", covering my mouth with my hands. This never works.  
C`mon Arthur. Say the line you wrote in your journal. Its a good one.  
"I hated...." hm uurg... I can`t breathe.My heart is pounding so fast, I cant keep up with it. My hand grabs for my throath "Hahahahahaah" . My eyes are closed and for a moment I try to imagin that there is no one there. Empty seats. Maybe Sophie but no one else. Does it help?  
I hear myself coughing "I....I hated scool when I was a kid....." hahahhahahahahah. Thats it. Thats just too much.  
Scool. Scool was a joke. They bullied me,kicked me, called me names. I was always alone and tried to find some friends by learning magic tricks and impress them. But all they did was stealing my self made magic wands and cards. So I had to make new ones every time. And we didnt had enough money to buy so many craft things, so I ended up having nothing again. So yeah, I surely hated scool.  
Hahahah I bury my face in my elbow, hoping the laughter wouldnt be as loud. Trying to stay a step away from the mic. Coughing again, chocking, reminding myself that I have to collect myself now.  
For god`s sake Arthur, just tell your joke.  
I stand up straight and look at the people sitting in their seats. I cant really see their faces or reactions. But its quiet. Too quiet.  
"I hated scool as a kid" hahaha  
"My mother would say * You should enjoy it. One day you have to work for a living*"   
Oh I did a great job making her voice. Enjoying scool. Yeah right.... Did penny think I enjoyed being bullied? But then again....it was even worse at home so maybe scool wasnt as bad after all.  
"No I won`t Ma. I`m gonna be a comedian" hahahahahahahahha.  
I managed it. I told my joke. No laughter? Its so quiet. I look up to Sophies place. She is smiling, looking so beautiful for me. She gets my humor. I wave at her, feeling proud.   
Time for the next one...  
Oh my god. What was the next one? I totally forgot. Seeing Sophie`s face made me forget about everything else.   
I go through the pages and open the one with the pornographic image. Oh no, I really hope they haven`t seen it.  
People laughing in the background. Louder than they did laugh at my joke. Shit. They saw it. I hope Sophie didnt. She is the only one I am in love with. I dont want her to think this naked girl in my journal means soemthing to me.  
"Um...." I nervously go through more pages. This is for Sophie. I can do this.  
"Here`s one....You know...I was just thinking the other day: Why are the rich people so confused all the time?" I make the thinking-hard-gesture as I hear the music. It starts playing. What a perfect timing. "Because they dont make any cents!"  
I spread my arms and people are starting to laugh. What a great punchline. I killed it.  
Finally.  
Sophie is enjoying my performance,too.  
I just know that she is proud of me. We`ll have a wonderful, romantic evening together. I dont have much money in my pocket but I guess I will take her to the Donut shop later and tell her some more of my jokes, walking down the streets together. And maybe even a kiss. That would be wonderful.

YOU

Its my first time here at Pogo`s. I havent visited much places since I moved to Gotham and I started to feel like I had to. I`ve never been to a stand up comedy club before, so I had no idea what it would be like. This Sam Morril guy wasnt really my kinda humor. I was sick of jokes about the differences between men and woman. This shit was getting old.  
I`m sitting right in front of the stage, waiting for the next comedian to be announced.From my seat, I can see the next one standing in the doorway under the dim,green lights. Its dark but I can tell that he is nervous. I can see his forehead is glittering from sweat. Maybe its his first time as a stand up comedian. It must be hard to get up on stage, not knowing if people would like your jokes. I think its a brave thing to do so. I`m kinda hypnotized by his mysterious silhouette. My eyes are glued to him. A strong feeling inside of me awakens. I cant tell what it is...its just THERE.  
"Alright this next comic descibes describes himself as a lifelong Gotham resident, who from a young age was always told that his purpose in life was to bring laughter and joy into this cold dark world...Um...okay....."Please help me welcome Arthur Fleck, Yàll. Arthur Fleck".  
What an interesting intruducement. So different from the others. The reactions aren`t positive, which doesnt surprise me. People in Gotham lack sensibility . There was so much to interpret in this little sentence. A life long Gotham resident. From what I have seen of this city, it must be hard to grow up here and still having the wish to make poeple laugh. Because no one is really laughing here. At least thats how it seems. People here in Gotham forgot how to have a good time. So if someone who was even born here thinks that his PURPOSE in life is to be the light of this dark town. Not even town. But the whole world. The cold, dark, world...... This guy knows how it feels to be one of the forgotten and still thinks he is here to make others smile. I havent heard one of his jokes yet, but I already like him. His nervous face in the doorway... I can`t wait to see him clear. I`m glad I have chosen the seat in front of the stage now.  
He`s coming up now, stumbling a bit but tryingto hide it. The poor guy looks like he is about to faint any minute. He really must be new here. Or he suffers from bad anxiety.  
"Hello..." his little voice! It wasnt even a voice, it was less than a whisper. A breath. He is smiling at the audience, his green, intense eyes unfocused. Now that all the lights are on him, I can tell how incredibly beautiful this man is. He`s got a unique face, with an remarkable bone structure. His almost shoulder long, brown curls make him look kinda soft. He`s wearing dark red pants and a white shirt under a dark red vest and looks like he giggeling. But tehre is something wrong with the expression on his face. It doesnt seem like he feels like laughing at all. He looks scared.  
"Hello....good to be here......hahahahahahah" and all of the sudden he is breaking out in laughter. A kind of laughter I have never seen before. His eyes don`t smile. He looks like he is gasping for air, tortured even. I wish I could help him, but I have no idea what is going on.   
I take a look at the other people around me. No one is reacting to it. Do they belive that this is part of his act? I dont think so. It looks like he is in real pain.  
"I...I hated scool when I was a kid....hahahhaaahha" the laughter becomes even more instense. This beautiful man is suffering. I just feel that there is something wrong with his laugh. To me it looks more like crying. Its only that the sound of it is a laughter. Every thing else, his facial expression, his gasping for air, his body posture,.... it just doesnt fit together.  
I was always an empath but no words that cross my mind right now could ever explain how much I feel for this man. I feel like I should get up on stage and just hug him, as he tries to cover his face with his elbow.He tries so hard not to laugh anymore. Its obvious.He doesnt want to. Something inside of him is forcing him to do this.  
He takes a deep breath one more time, interrupted by coughing and short breaths.  
"I hated scool as a ....as a kid... hahahahah. I notice how gentle he is holding his journal in which he obviously keep his jokes. His hands are going through the pages "Um....here`s one..." My mother would say "You should enjoy it, one day you have to work for a living" he did that in her voice.  
"...no I won`t Ma. I´m gonna be a comedian. Hahahahahahahah"  
I notice that everytime he looks in the audiance, his eyes are focused on an empty seat in the back. He even waves at the empty place. I can`t make out why. But he is smiling. A geniue smile this time, not the painful one from before. He`s so beautiful.  
"Here`s one.... When I was a little boy and TOLD people I was going to be a comedian, everyone laughed at me. Well....no one`s laughing now!" he spread his arms and smiled as if there was applouse, but the audience remained quiet.   
I felt bad for him. He was trying so hard. I recognized him as a beautiful soul. A lost soul. He seemed to be loely. There was something about his presence, the way he moved....that made me think he was all alone in the world.  
His gentle hands stopped at another page "Last week I told my psychiatrist that I keep thinking about suicide. Now I have to pay in advance".   
He laughed at his own joke, shaking his head. Still no laughter in the audience.  
"I got another one" he smiled, a quiet cough escaping his lips "My girlfriend used to date a proffessional clown before she met me. I have some big shoes to fill".  
Two or three people are clapping. I apploude as loud as I can, but his eyes are still focused at the empty seat.  
He tries to find another joke, but gets interrupted "Alright, Mr Fleck, that was your time.... Thank you...i guess..."  
Arthur Fleck goes off stage and walked up to the empty seat, talking to himself.  
I take my jacket and decide to follow him outside.  
He`s talking to himself, reading the cover of the newspapers, smiling to himself before he disappears in the donut shop. I stand outside the window, watching him order two coffees and two donuts. He isnt touching eighter the drink and food on his side of the table or the stuff on the other side. But he keeps talking, like there was someone sitting in front of him. Maybe he is practicing some jokes and pretends that there is an audience? I wonder what he has been through. He looks like someone who carries a lot of weight on his tiney shoulders. Seeing him leaving without even taking a sip of the coffees makes me sad. I guess he waited for someone and ordered for two but that someone didnt came.  
After a few minutes walking down the streets, he is waving in some direction and the self talk stops immediately. Thats when he seems even sadder than before.  
I really want to tell him something positive. I feel like he needs some nice words that encourage him. Helping him get through the day.  
"Excuse me Mr. Fleck?"  
The comedian turns around, a surprised look upon his face.  
"Yeah?"  
"I was in the audience at Pogos...."  
He smiles "Oh yeah....first row, right? I noticed you. You laughed at my joke. The one with the clown shoes."  
"Right! I just wanted to tell you that you are pretty funny. I loved your perfeormance." I guess it must be hard to get upstage . People are not easy to impress. I could never do that. You`re a great comedian. I wish I could hear more of your jokes. Will you be at Pogos anytime soon again?"  
"Um....." he lights himself a cig and takes a smoke "I don`t know...I hope so. Thank you very much for liking my jokes,though. My mum doesnt think I´m very funny...."  
I feel myself blushing as he looks me in the yes "Oh....she`s wrong. I bet you`ve got some really good jokes in there" I point at his diary.  
"This is my journal" he looks at it like its really dear to his heart "I always keep it with me. So I never forget a joke that crosses my mind. I can show you if you want."  
"Sure. We could find a bench to sit down and talk a little if you feel like it?"  
He smiles at me and I feel my knees are getting even weaker.

ARTHUR:  
There is this girl. I`m not sure but I think she followed me after my performance at Pogos. Because I went on my date with Sophie for like an hour and that girl is still there. She`s so nice and tells me that she liked my jokes. I dont get to hear this very often and really appriciate her support. But I still think about Sophie. Walking down the streets with her felt special. We weren`t holding hands for the whole time but I stil felt so close to her. We had a great time at the Donut shop. Even though it wasnt real. I know its wasnt. But it felt real to me.   
She doesnt know about our date. Its all in my head. In my heart. But who can tell which reality is real and which is not? Its all just a blurr. No one can really tell. Maybe it WAS real and this girl right here in front of me isnt. Who knows? Maybe I am the one who isnt real. Maybe I am Sophies daydream. Maybe I`m the one who isnt really existing.  
I feel like I have ssen this girl before....   
Think harder Arthur. Where have you seen her before?

YOU:  
"You can call me Arthur" he says.   
"Hi Arthur! I´m Y/N"  
"Hi Y/N. What a beautiful name. Can I ask you something?"  
"Sure"  
"Is this real?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Nevermind.." Arthur says, holding his diary close to his chest as we sit down on a bench. People passing us by.  
He looks a bit confused. Out of place. Like he doesnt really belong here. I`m dying to know what is going on in this man`s mind. Looking at his face makes me feel lie I have known him forever. Its a prenatal emotion I feel deep inside. Much more meaningful than love at first sign. I feel like I was brought here to save him from whatever is torturing his poor soul.   
Arthur looks in the distance. Unfocused, like so many times.  
"What is it, Arthur?" I ask him.  
"I´m not sure... I feel like having a dejavu. I have seen, no I have FELT this before. I mean....experienced. I don`t know..."  
"What do you mean?"  
"You" he glances at me.  
"I have dreamed about this moment right now. Coming out of Pogos and this beautiful girl is following me around, telling me that she likes my Jokes...I cant remember every detail but I guess she looked just like you.... So.....is this real? I wonder if this is another dream I have...?"  
"I am real, Artur"  
"Your dream self would tell me the same, so there is no possible proof, you know?"  
"I guess not" I think about his words. How can you proof someone that a situation is real? That you are? Its impossible because a hallucination would tell you exactly the same things. For a moment I question my own existence. Maybe I am just a part of his dream. Would I feel real? Does the characters in your dreams know that they are just a part of your imagination?   
Did the mad hatter knew that he was just a creation of Alice`s mind? How can anyone of us be sure?  
Maybe I am just a fictional character in a story. Maybe you are. Maybe we are all just characters playing our parts. Not knowing who is the writer.  
"Yeah..." he whispered "Does it even matter?"  
"Maybe not" I answer "What difference would it make if our emotions are real?"  
Arthur keeps pressing his diary to his chest "Do you think my emotions are true?"  
"I think so. Why wouldnt they be real? You feel them. Right? So even if you cant be sure of yourself. You can always be sure of your emotions. Because you feel them. "  
Arhurs eyes wonder around the streets "I like that. So....what is it that you feel?"  
"That I have known you all my life. But I couldnt be there with you. Up until now. That you are lonely. The world has fogotten about how golden your heart is long ago, Arthur. Am I right?"  
"Yeah" his eyes are watering. "How....how do you know I have a good heart?"  
"I saw it the second you stood in the doorway at Pogs. I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes. In the way you move. I feel it in my own heart when you are sitting next to me."  
Arthur shakes his head "Your words are too good to be true. No one is ever that nice to me. I knew I was instable today. First Sophie and now....I`m hallucinating. But i`m still glad you`re here with me".  
"I feel real, Arthur. Thats all I can tell you."   
He smiles.  
"Give me our hand" he puts his journal beside and lays his hand in mine.   
"Does this feel real?"  
"Yeah, but it always does. Evene if its not. "  
I touch his cheek with my hand, caressing it softly "Does this feel real?"  
"It does... even more than real...its....wonderful"  
I take him in my arms. He feels fragile and small. And lost. Alone in this world.  
How could this world ever dare to abandon a soul like him?  
"Hold me closer" he whimpers.  
I put my lips on his, so gently I can feel him breathing out.  
"And this?" I breathe into his half open mouth.  
"This is all I ever wanted" he whispers.  
And as we kiss I wonder if this is only a dream of mine.  
But it doesnt matter.  
The love is real eighter way.


End file.
